A Cigar Is Just
by Bookkbaby
Summary: LUCKY, implied Yullen, crack!fic. Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar, and sometimes it isn't.


**Warnings: YAOI (boyxboy) of the TykixLavi and the AllenxKanda variety and innuendo. Major CRACK.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own these lovely characters, that honor belongs to Katsura Hoshino. (Though if Hoshino-sama ever has a sale, I call dibs on Tyki… what?) **

**Dedicated (and blamed on) N. H. Arawn and Silver Affection!**

A Cigar is Just

"Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar."

—Sigmund Freud

"Yeah, well, sometimes it's a big brown dick!"

—George Carlin

Allen's eye twitched, expression otherwise frozen in disbelief. Lavi grinned at him from across the small table, his cards laid out in front of him on the table and a rather large cigar jutting outward from his mouth. The redhead drew on the cigar before blowing the smoke out, aiming directly for Allen's face.

Allen felt his cards drop from his numb hands, his nose wrinkling at the smell. A scowl pulled at his lips but he forced a smile and stood.

"I lost," he said, tone clipped. "Congratulations. Your luck must be really good today for you to win five hands in a row..." _Even when I was cheating._

Lavi plucked the cigar from between his lips and grinned broadly.

"Oh, no. I was just cheating."

Allen's smile flickered.

"Cheating...?" the white haired boy said slowly. A muscle in his face twitched. Lavi's grin widened.

"Learned by watching you," Lavi said cheerfully, standing up. "And with the help of a few books in the library." He put the cigar back between his lips and drew deeply on it. Allen watched as more of the tobacco smoldered, nose again wrinkling at the smelly smoke as Lavi breathed out.

Lavi folded his arms and brought one hand up to stroke his chin as though he had an invisible goatee. He pretended to ponder something and Allen had a sudden sinking feeling in his chest.

"Well then, since I won..." Lavi grinned again, keeping his cigar in place by holding it carefully with his teeth. "I get to keep smoking my cigars and you-"

Allen braced himself, wincing in anticipation of whatever dreadful punishment the redhead had thought up.

"-have to kiss Yuu on the lips in front of everybody during the lunch rush."

Allen's gaze snapped back to Lavi, only to see that the redhead was turning and running out of the room, near-maniacal laughter and cigar smoke trailing behind him.

"LAVI!"

* * *

"LAVI!"

The redhead turned, eyebrow raised in inquiry and a cigar between his lips. Upon seeing the glint of metal and the black blur that was Kanda as the swordsman raced furiously towards him, Lavi's visible eye widened and he scrambled out of his seat. He vaguely noted the shrieks of the newer Finders and the annoyed complaints of those who had seen Kanda in one of his rages before, too busy concentrating on escape. He stumbled briefly over the bench but successfully caught his balance and began running down the aisle between the rows of lunch tables.

Loud footsteps pounded the stone behind him and Lavi increased speed, wide-eyed gaze fixed on the door. He felt a whoosh of air to his side and he instinctively turned to face it just in time for something shiny to slice through the air directly in front of him, so close he could feel the displacement of air against his face. His cigar was suddenly in two pieces and the longer piece fell to the ground. He tried to stop, but he had been going too fast and he tripped over the flat of the blade as it completed its strike.

He landed with a muttered 'oof', what was left of his cigar dropping from his mouth as he tumbled. He winced as he began to pick himself up, stopping suddenly when he heard the soft scrape of metal against stone and ominous footsteps coming closer. Lavi turned, flipping over completely and resting his weight on his elbows as a very sharp sword suddenly aimed itself at his throat.

Lavi swallowed nervously but managed to send a trembling smile towards the cranky swordsman.

"Good morning, Yuu!" Lavi said as cheerfully as he could manage. "Or is it afternoon already-"

The sword tip met his throat and pressed dangerously against it. Lavi shut up.

"You ever fucking put that idiot up to one of these moronic stunts again and I'll rip open your goddamn throat, you stupid rabbit," Kanda growled, jabbing Lavi's neck lightly with Mugen's point. Lavi nodded shallowly, trying to pull back subtly from the weapon. Kanda re-sheathed Mugen and turned to stomp away. "And stop smoking those fucking things."

* * *

Komui narrowed his eyes in concentration, trying to keep his hand's trembling to a minimum as he lifted a test tube half full of volatile chemicals and poured several drops into a larger beaker. The light violet liquid from the vial dripped into the clear liquid in the beaker, diffusing almost instantly and turning the mixture an inexplicably bright red.

Komui grinned widely, setting the test tube back into its holder and using his other hand to slowly swirl the beaker so that everything would mix properly.

It was perfect! Absolutely flawless and, if his hypothesis was correct, it should be able to solve the problem his darling sister had brought to his attention. Lenalee had told him tearfully (well, perhaps tearfully was a bit of an exaggeration) that there was a horrible menace (a mild annoyance) that Lavi was unleashing upon the innocent Finders and Exorcists of the Black Order. The horrible menace was cigar smoke and Komui had been determined to come up with a cure for Lavi's apparent addiction to the smelly smokes.

With an almost evil glint in his eyes, Komui snuck away from his lab table, resisting the urge to chuckle. He snuck out into the halls, sticking close to the walls and hiding behind pillars as though he was some sort of secret agent.

He ignored the looks some of the newer Finders gave him as he pretended to sneak through the corridors. The older Finders were used to his antics by now and kept the newer ones moving.

The only person who would dare to actually drag him back to his office was Reever and Reever had just gone on lunch. Komui knew that his second in command wouldn't be done eating for at least another fifteen minutes and that was more than enough time to creep around to the kitchen, slip the newly created drug into a certain redhead's food, and then scuttle back to his office where he could pretend to have been working the entire time Reever was gone.

Komui could have simply asked one of his aides to deliver the drug to Jerry with instructions on how to use it, but Komui knew his head chef was not a person who would deliberately alter someone's food unless it was in punishment for something. Without an actual cause to punish Lavi - cigars weren't against any rule, Komui had checked - the Supervisor would have to be stealthy.

Komui couldn't resist an evil chuckle as he slipped through the door to the kitchen. With the beaker clasped firmly in one hand, he slunk along the wall to where Jerry was cooking up something that smelled delicious. Jerry was humming something to himself and didn't appear to have noticed Komui. Yet.

Komui glanced towards the order window. Sure enough, Lavi stood there, staring at something in the cafeteria and not paying the least bit of attention to the kitchen. It was rather fortunate that Lavi tended to eat at off-peak hours - during this time, Jerry was the only person in the kitchen. Komui didn't need to worry about avoiding anyone else.

As stealthily as he could, Komui snuck across the kitchen, freezing every time Jerry turned to grab another ingredient and add it to the mix. Within a minute, Komui was standing right behind Jerry, beaker in hand and poised to pour the moment he had an opening.

Jerry turned. Komui froze, but Jerry was just turning to pour the contents of the pan onto a plate. Jerry hummed quietly as he scraped the last bits of food onto the plate and then the man turned to face the window.

"Lavi! Your food is ready, hun!"

Komui seized his chance, leaning around Jerry and dumping the beaker onto Lavi's food. By the time Jerry had turned around to retrieve the plate and deliver it to the redhead, Komui had hightailed it out of there and was halfway back to his office before Lavi had gotten back to his table.

Komui never saw Lavi lift a forkful of food to his mouth and then be interrupted by Bookman. Without eating a bite, Lavi stood up from the table and pushed his food towards Allen, who had just finished his inhumanly large portion of food and had been eyeing Lavi's delicious-looking dish. Lavi followed Bookman out of the cafeteria and Allen dug into Lavi's food happily, not noticing anything amiss.

Ten minutes later, when a nearby Finder happened to light up a cigarette and blew the smoke a little too close to Allen, the white-haired boy suddenly dropped his fork. His face turned a sickly shade of green and he clapped his hands over his mouth. Without a word, Allen sprang up from the table and bolted towards the nearest men's room.

* * *

"I do wish you wouldn't smoke those things, rabbit," Tyki said with an exasperated sigh. The Noah had stopped smoking at the same time he had joined the Order a little less than a year ago.

Lavi shrugged in response, grabbing his recently-lit cigar with his forefinger and thumb and pulling it from between his lips. He blew a ring of smoke towards his former enemy, grinning when the smoke blew straight through the Noah.

"I like cigars. They're..." He frowned briefly, trying to come up with what exactly cigars were. He grinned again when the perfect word came to him. "Manly."

Tyki raised an eyebrow, leaning back in his plush chair.

"'Manly'?" Tyki asked skeptically, a smirk tugging at his lips. "I should think that you, of all people in the Order, would have heard of Freud..."

Defiantly, Lavi put the cigar back between his lips and drew more smoke into his mouth. He exhaled, smoke swirling around him.

"'Sometimes, a cigar is just a cigar'," he quoted, at once proving that he did indeed know who Tyki was referring to and what the man was trying to imply. Tyki smirked fully then, slowly pushing himself up from his chair and straightening his immaculate suit.

"Oh? I respectfully disagree... in fact, I'm much more inclined to believe Freud." Tyki stepped forward, slowly crossing the suddenly too-short distance between their two chairs. Lavi swallowed heavily, leaning back against his chair as Tyki came to a stop right in front of him. The Noah leaned forward, plucking the cigar from between Lavi's lips. The redhead let out a startled 'hey!' as Tyki roughly put out the cigar in the ashtray next to the redhead.

"Those are expensi- mmph!"

Lavi was suddenly cut off by Tyki's mouth claiming his own. The redhead stilled in surprise, jaw going slack and allowing the older man's skilled tongue all the freedom it could have wanted. At the first brush of Tyki's tongue against his own, Lavi began to respond. His hands came up behind Tyki's neck, pulling the Noah deeper into the kiss. Lavi heard a chuckle that was more vibration than sound and then Tyki was pulling away. Lavi tried to hold onto the older man, but his hands slid right through. He stared up in confusion at the Noah, flushing when he saw Tyki's smug smirk.

"If you're interested, rabbit, I could... arrange for you to suck on the real thing rather than just a symbol."

It took a moment for Lavi's to figure out what Tyki meant, but when he did his cheeks flushed an even deeper red.

"I'm int-"

This time, Lavi was interrupted by a finger pressing firmly against his lips. Tyki met his eyes, some of the mirth gone and a more serious look replacing the smugness.

"But only," Tyki said. "If you stop smoking. I have no desire to kiss someone when their mouth tastes like an ashtray."

ONE WEEK LATER

Allen snuck a glance at Lavi. The redhead was eating his food as usual, his normal grin on his face, but something was odd.

For the past week, Allen hadn't seen Lavi smoke a single cigar. It wasn't as if the redhead had just run out - Allen had heard through the grapevine that the Finder in charge of garbage duty had found at least three full boxes of Lavi's favorite brand of cigar in the redhead's trash bin. Given that Lavi hadn't been tearing apart the Order or even making subtle inquiries as to who threw out his smokes, it was obvious that Lavi must have done it himself.

The only question was why. Who had finally gotten Lavi to give up his cigars?

Allen took a bite of his food, carefully tasting it before swallowing. Ever since he had accidentally ingested the potion meant for Lavi (Komui had been very apologetic about the accident after judicious application of force from Lenalee and her Dark Boots), he had been a bit more cautious about what he shoveled into his mouth.

"Er, Lavi?" he asked after swallowing. The redhead looked at him, grin broadening.

"Hm?"

"What got you to stop smoking?" Allen asked curiously. Lavi's single visible eye took on a faraway, dreamy expression.

"Well... let's just say I got an offer I couldn't refuse," Lavi said cryptically. He put one hand to his mouth. "And something better to suck on..."

Allen suddenly felt faint. Surely Lavi didn't mean what that sounded like...

"And Tyki has been very good about helping me through withdrawal." Lavi's voice was even dreamy now and the redhead licked his lips and shifted in his seat. "Very good. Excellent. Best I've ever-"

"I don't need to know any more!" Allen interjected hastily, face flaming. He heard Lavi laugh.

"Oh, and Allen..."

Allen looked up, face still red.

"Since I didn't see it, the time you kissed Yuu doesn't count-"

Allen choked.

"WHAT?!"

"-You have to do it again, and this time I have to be there."

"LAVI!" Allen spluttered, face going an even deeper shade of red.

Lavi just grinned in response.

The End

**A/N: This was my first attempt at a real crack!fic and writing a fic just to be funny. I know Lavi would never really smoke and he was OOC because of the cigars, but I tried to keep him IC otherwise. Hope you all enjoyed it. I'll get back to working on AGoP and CL soon.**

**Ok, since the humor is kind of random I thought I'd give a brief explanation for anyone who might not be familiar with Freud.**

**Freud was a psychologist and connected just about everything to sex. Cigars were phallic symbols (a great many other things were phallic symbols as well, but the one important to this fic is cigars), so in the scene with Tyki, Tyki is referring to Freud and how cigars are supposedly phallic symbols. Hope that helps clear that up. _ (If you do not know what a phallic symbol is, do NOT Google Image it. Check a dictionary.)**


End file.
